janegodzilla: (this isn't going well)
From Mother Jones: 9 Bills That Would Put Creationism in the Classroom

I have tried five times to write about this without devolving into utterly incoherent capslock rage, and it's, uh...it's not working.  In fact, I seem to be completely incapable of writing about the current state of politics in my country without losing my fucking mind, because what's happening right now is ridiculous and frightening and I feel like I'm living in some Bizarro-world United States where up is down and words do not actually mean what they're supposed to mean because the GOP doesn't like the real meaning.  Or something.

I'm currently sitting on a long, LONG post about my fear and anger and betrayal over what's happening with the GOP's attack on reproductive rights, and how this dovetails into my fear and anger and betrayal over what's happening in the US in general, but I just...ugh.  I'm so hesitant about posting it.  Because the thing is, I don't want to have to argue about this shit.  I don't want to have to explain why the prospect of being denied a life-saving abortion if I get pregnant and develop early HELLP syndrome is so deeply frightening.  I don't want to have to explain how nauseating it is that there are people who genuinely think it's a reasonable and good idea to propose legislation requiring investigation of miscarriages -- miscarriages! -- as potential "prenatal murders."  I don't want to have to explain why, as a union employee, I find the idea of losing my bargaining rights and benefits so incredibly upsetting.  Or why it's stupid and wrongheaded to insist that creationism is science (protip: if you can't test it in any way, shape, or form using the scientific method, it's NOT FUCKING SCIENCE) and require its presence in school curriculum.  Or why it strikes me as so boneheaded that these are the things the GOP wants to push instead of, I don't know, WORKING TO FIX OUR BROKEN FUCKING ECONOMY. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's just me, but I feel like all of these things are...kind of self-evident?  Like, golly gee, defunding National Public Radio?  Why on earth would that be in any way upsetting when the majority of our broadcast news comes from stations owned by mega-corporations who have a vested interest in seeing their political interests protected?  GOSH.  That's not problematic at all!

anjdnsjfndjsjk

So, yeah, I don't want to argue.  And I don't want to explain, and I guess that's why I'm mighty hesitant to post something that boils down to, "FEAR FEAR ANGER FEAR," more so than this entry even. So much of this stuff affects me -- like, personally affects me, to the point where I'm glad I live in a state like Oregon because Portland's population is big enough to skew voting in a liberal direction -- that it's pretty much impossible for me to be all cool and academic about what's happening right now.

(I was originally going to spend this entry complaining about an interview I'd read with Rep. Bill Zedler from Texas, where he blasted "evolutionists" for believing evolution happens by "random chance," and it made me so angry I couldn't see straight because he is SO WRONG, HE IS SO WRONG I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT, no one is arguing that evolution occurs by random chance because that's not how it fucking works. And then this entry happened instead, so. Um. You're welcome?)

((I have no idea how to end this.))
janegodzilla: (wheeeeee!)
I got my tax refund over the weekend, and while I plan to put most of it to practical use (i.e. going halves on a new bed with Nate and getting rid of the remaining tuition on my credit card), I decided I needed to blow some of it on something fun. To that end, I ordered Phoenix Wright, Okamiden, and Pokemon White, which will serve as my introduction to the wide world of pokemon (SO EXCITED!). I would normally just hit up a Gamestop for all this stuff, but PW is old enough that none of the local places carry it and Okamiden doesn't come out until tomorrow. Since I was already ordering PW, I figured I might as well add a few other games to the order so I could get the free shipping.

This means I can't play until next week, of course, but given that my statistics final is this Saturday and the prof assigned us a metric ton of homework to go along with the studying, I think that's probably a good thing. Plus, now I have something to look forward to post-finals! Yay!

It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out which version of Pokemon Black and White I wanted, though. I went with White because it seemed like a better one for beginners and people who want to do a lot of collecting, so...I guess? Also, the electric black dragon guy seems, uh, pretty cool. :I I have no idea what I'm doing. I even googled comparison guides and such, because I had to be sure I was getting the right one. I don't know what it is with me and relatively trivial decisions. I do the same exact thing when it comes to, I don't know, buying eggs or picking a restaurant for dinner. I'm so terrified of making the wrong choice that I end up utterly paralyzed by indecision, and then I can't choose a damn thing.

What's even more ridiculous is that I don't usually get this way over BIG things. Like, stuff involving lots of money or my career or people's lives or whatever? I weigh the choices, I make a decision, and 99/100 times I'm confident that my decision is the correct and/or most reasonable one for the situation. But GOD FORBID I pick the wrong restaurant for dinner! My brain can't even handle how horrible that would be. I mean, someone might be slightly unhappy with their meal choices. MY GOD. Just get in the car, everyone, we're going home.

In other words, I can drop $600 on my half of a fancy TV and be perfectly confident in the awesomeness of our choice, and yet I spent my entire lunch hour researching a $34 Pokemon game and I'm still worried I chose wrong. I just.

Neurotic: It's How I Roll.
janegodzilla: (WTF?!)
I keep getting hit by creepy spammers, so I'm enabling comment-screening and CAPTCHA for non-friend comments. I don't usually get non-friend comments here, but I figured I should say something, um...just in case? Ugh, whatever. If that's not effective, I guess I'll have to go on lockdown again. I don't really want to, but I will if this keeps up. Bluhhhh.

Other things that are making me cranky right now: the weather, and the fact that I have to go to class in fifteen minutes or so. BOO-URNS to that, I say. Boo. Urns.
janegodzilla: (jesus on a dino your argument is invalid)
I stumbled over the Papo dinosaur figurines whilst rambling 'round the internets, and...holy shit, do I want them. I want them so very much. The allosaurus and stegosaurus especially, because they are gorgeous (and because the stegosaurus is my favorite saurian herbivore), but I also want the tyrannosaurus and the velociraptor. The latter lacks feathers and looks more like a deinonychus than a velociraptor, but that's okay! It's still pretty!

(Seriously, that stegosaurus is like my childhood dreams made reality. I NEED ONE. A real one, preferably life-size, that I can ride to work and park in the Canyon Garage because I'm on a fucking dinosaur and I'll do what I want.)

Speaking of unrepentant spending, I am giddy beyond belief because I found a used copy of the original Jet Set Radio Future (i.e. the one with the cleanest backwards compatibility on the Xbox 360) online for less than $100. I used to love that game, and I've been haphazardly searching for a decent copy of the original for the past few years. It was never super popular in the States, though, so they've always been a) rare, and b) expensive. I ended up shelling out more than I normally would on a video game, but...fuck it. JSRF is made of ZAZZ and AWESOME, and I'm really excited to play it again.

I'm also excited to play Beyond Good and Evil HD, which I downloaded the other day. It's another one of those games I loved when I played it on the last generation of consoles, and from what I've read it's apparently a pretty good port. The story and voice-acting and music were all fab and the camera mechanic was hella cool, so I'm really psyched that I get to play it again.

And then Nate downloaded Torchlight yesterday, so I'm up to my ears in awesome video games all demanding my attention (especially seeing as I still have to finish Brutal Legend and Undead Nightmare...). Why haven't they invented a game system that I can just plug into my skull already? I mean. COME ON.

In other news, I have looked at the word "calendar" so many times today that it has ceased to look like an actual word. :B
janegodzilla: (CHAOS!)
[livejournal.com profile] inker_alpha gently reminded me that it's been a long freakin' time since I've updated (thanks buddy! ♥), so now is as good a time as any, I suppose.

Things have been pretty quiet, but in a nice way. Nate and I had a low-key Valentine's Day, which was pleasant -- I bought him a video game, he bought me a delicious cake (fun fact: cake is the way to my heart, for reals), and then we ordered a pizza from our favorite local place and watched The Social Network. Verdict: awesome evening. And then our anniversary was last week (three years, how fucking awesome is that? ♥♥♥), so we decided to splurge a little and go out someplace nice for dinner. We went to the Laurelhurst Market and ate delicious food and drank delicious wine, and all in all it was the best sort of anniversary I could've asked for.

In less pleasant news, I got sick again. This bout of ick is particularly nasty (I'm now at the end of week 2 and it's still lingering), so I finally sucked it up and made an appointment with the OHSU Oregon Sinus Clinic. They're specialists and it's expensive as hell even with the insurance, but it seems like my sinuses and throat are getting worse and worse every year and I'd like to rule out chronic sinusitis before I get into nursing school and lose my cushy health insurance. It's also entirely possible I'll need to get my tonsils out and/or get some heavy duty allergy shots, so. Doing all this while I can still afford it, yep yep.

Speaking of nursing school, I should be finding out sometime this month whether I made it or not. Expect a jubilant post full of capslock if I make it, and an insufferably emo f-lock post if I don't. Fair warning, etc.

Just watch -- now that I've said this, I won't find out until early April or something horrifying like that. :B
janegodzilla: (needs more zazz)
I have a bunny in my lap. He keeps smooshing his face into my hand so I can scritch his cheeks, because he is adorable and demanding like that. ♥♥♥ Aw, Rufio. ♥♥♥

Trauma Conference today was pretty amazing. One of the presentations was on leech therapy and how it can help with returning vascular flow to reattached digits and ears and things. And there were pictures! :D Seriously, it was awesome. The fact that I find this cool rather than horrifying makes me feel pretty secure in my decision to work in health care, although the book I'm reading on the Black Death right now makes me want to get a graduate degree in public health or epidemiology so I can study infectious disease all the time. I need to pick a career track and stick with it, because this is getting ridiculous. At the rate I'm going, I'll be in school 'till I'm 70 and have, like, five degrees.

...actually, that might not be so bad. Hmm.

Here, have some random faun art or whatever. )
janegodzilla: (gettin' my hot cocoa on)
Oh, statistics. You're kind of annoying and you're way less fun than straight-up science (or, as I like to call it, SCIENCE!!!), but everything about you makes perfect sense and I can't help but love you for it. The equations always do the same thing. Always. It's so...it's so neat! And elegant! And precise! Science is messy as anything and I absolutely love that, but the clean simplicity of math appeals to the tightly-wound part of my soul that likes to make lists and categorize everything a million times over.

Nate and I are going camping next weekend, and I am STUPIDLY EXCITED about it. We're staying in a yurt! YURT CAMPING! I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THESE THINGS! They're like little elf houses! It's way too cold right now to go tent camping*, but the yurts in the Oregon state parks all have heat so weirdos like us can go camping in the wintertime. It's a little ridiculous how giddy I am about the prospect of camping in February. It's just. I haven't been camping in such a long time! And I've never been with Nate, so I'm just really looking forward to the whole thing.

We were originally going to camp at Tumalo, which is down near Bend, but when I talked to my mom about it she was all, "Oh honey, no" about it. Apparently, she and dad go cross-country skiing out there this time of year, because it's the high desert and there's mad snow in January and February. Uh. Whoops! So now we're going to Beverly Beach, which is down by Newport. That way, we can go to the Oregon Coast Aquarium or something even if the weather is shitty. Random shitty weather is how the Pacific Northwest rolls.

Oh my god we are totally going to make s'mores! Eeeee! *flappy hands of delight*


* Also, we don't own a tent.
janegodzilla: (i *heart* portland)
Nutrition grumbling. People with their own food issues may not want to read this, since I'm mainly complaining about my own and that might be triggery. )

In slightly more cheerful news, I think I've watched this video for Meshuggah's "New Millenium Cyanide Christ," like, five times now. Maybe more. I just. It's amazing. They're so SRS BSNS about their air-drumming and air-guitar and the singer is fake-screaming into a pen and they're all full-body thrashing in a freakin' RV...it's my favorite thing right now. I'm a sucker for people doing very silly things in a very serious way.
janegodzilla: (she smells like delicious bacon)
I'm watching my telecourse materials for nutrition and they keep showing people chowing down on giant fast-food burgers and stuff, all like, "DON'T EAT THIS SHIT, IT'S BAD FOR YOUUUUUUUU!"

And all I can think is, "Oh my god, that burger looks so fucking delicious, why am I not eating one right now?!"

Preeeetty sure that's not the message I'm supposed to be taking away from this. Perhaps the nutrition telecourses, like grocery shopping, are not to be attempted on an empty stomach.

(Seriously, though, back to the burger thing -- we discovered that our favorite neighborhood breakfast place also has a limited dinner menu, and just about everything on there has a delicious vegetarian or vegan equivalent. Their black bean burger is the best one I've ever had, and I desperately want one now. Stupid nutrition class, making me want to eat things!)
janegodzilla: (everyone's a fucking critic)
I'm drawing again! It's, um. Metalocalypse fanart? Except I'm drawing them as Portland hipsters, because I am a TERRIBLE PERSON. A terrible, horrible person.

Here, have a WIP sketch )

From left to right: Murderface, Skwisgaar, Toki (and blobby sketch!cat), Nathan, Charles, and Pickles. I really need to fix Charles' face, since it wasn't until I turned all the layers back on that I realized he and Nathan have the exact same >:| expression. Haha, whoops.

Fun fact: Four Loko is now banned in Oregon. It totally seems like the sort of thing hipster!Pickles would drink. Regular Pickles too, come to think of it. I've had exactly one sip of the stuff, and it is VILE. It tasted like a liquid children's multivitamin, but with carbonation and alcohol. *shudder*

...

God, I can't believe I'm drawing this.
janegodzilla: (fail hero)
The Map of Metal is my current favorite thing. Before I found it, I had no idea that sub-genres like "neo-classical metal," "symphonic black metal," and "folk metal" even existed. But now I know, and it makes me happy. *devil-horns*

(Seriously, though, neo-classical metal is all kinds of amazing. Electric guitars plus harpsichord? YES PLEASE.)

I'm reading a really fantastic book right now called Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty Pleasure TV, by Jennifer Pozner. It's a critical examination of reality television -- especially the ways in which it portrays women and people of color -- and what I'm really digging about it is that she's taking an intersectional approach and addresses classism, sizeism and ageism as well as sexism and racism, and also looks at the way non-straight and/or non-cisgendered folks are othered or outright erased. She also addresses the way shows that otherwise get these things right (Project Runway is one of the examples she mentions) still emphasize rampant consumerism and spending as both ideal and normal, and how even though most (if not all) reality tv is sold to the audience as "real people doing real things," much of what the audience sees is manipulated or outright manufactured. It's a fascinating, incredibly comprehensive book, and I definitely recommend it to anyone interested in examining contemporary media narratives.

I do have a few caveats. My one big criticism of this book is that as comprehensive as her research is, Pozner hasn't addressed issues of ableism. She's talked about why it's problematic that women of color are so often framed as "crazy" in reality tv, but doesn't talk about why the "crazy" label is damaging to people with genuine mental illnesses. She also hasn't addressed why the differently abled -- both physically and/or mentally -- are rarely (if ever) present in these shows, nor why it's problematic that their narratives (if they are present) are almost always framed in terms of their differences. I haven't finished the book yet, so it's possible she'll address these things farther along, but the rest of it is just so outstanding that it's really disappointing that she hasn't brought this stuff up yet.

The other thing I'd like to note is that it's a very US-centric book, focusing largely on US shows and audiences. I don't mean this as a criticism, since one of her major arguments is that the way these shows are packaged and sold to people blinds them to a lot of the current economic and social realities, or confuses them about the exact nature of these realities (for example, poverty in reality tv is shown as something that individual people struggle with -- something that can be "fixed" -- and not as a massive systemic issue that intersects with various -isms and the availability of jobs, food, educational opportunities, health care, etc.). Had she tried to look at the reality tv of other countries (and whether it's from those particular countries or imported from places like the US), I think some of her central points about the way certain social issues are sold to audiences might've been diluted. That, or the book would've been enormous, heh. The focus on the US might make it a little less interesting to non-US folks who'd like to explore their home media narratives, but I still think it's worth checking out.
janegodzilla: (GQMF - nerd edition)
*flail*  Manowar is finally coming to play in North America, but they're only playing one show.  In Cleveland.  The weekend before one of my midterms.  

WHY LIFE WHYYYYYY.

In other news, the cold I had over the weekend is lingering like a mofo and apparently one of my coworkers is annoyed by my cough.  I want to be all, "Gee, sorry you're so inconvenienced by my malfunctioning lungs, next time I just WON'T GET SICK," but instead I just get all emo and grouchy and try to hold it in because I hate being That Annoying Sick Person.  Even though I'm not sick anymore!  It's just that my lungs are stupid.  :(


I am writing and posting this on the bus to work, just because I can. Whee!
janegodzilla: (marla will cut a bitch)
Sometimes I really wonder about the Pandora algorithms. Today my Dethklok radio station threw up Nirvana of all things, and when I when I hit the thumbs-down button (sorry, Nirvana fans!), it then decided to give me a Clint Mansell score. Which...I love Clint Mansell, I really do -- he's definitely among my top five favorite composers -- but, um, Clint Mansell =/= Dethklok. COME ON, PANDORA.

So. Things! I managed to waitlist my way into nutrition this quarter, so between nutrition and stats I'll be blowing over a grand in tuition, books, telecourse materials, and a calculator. I am...kind of freaking out about this, mostly because I just doubled my credit card bill over the span of a week. It's fine, of course, but still. These "welcome to adulthood, now we're taking all your money!" moments still startle me sometimes, and now I need to curl into the fetal position and huddle in the corner for a while until the feeling goes away. The nutrition materials alone ran a little over $200, which is completely fucked up. Every time I have to buy textbooks I get enraged all over again at how much money this shit costs. This quarter, the amount of money I'm spending on books and materials is equivalent to over half my goddamn tuition. For two classes! Just two! How is that even fucking fair?!

Anyway. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I'm only shelling out about $1000 this quarter instead of, oh, $20,000 or thereabouts. Swear to god, thinking about my nursing school costs makes me want to break out in hives. Big ones.

I had every intention of cracking open my textbook when I got home from work today, and instead I've been reading Metalocalypse fanfic all evening. *facepalm* I win at everything.
janegodzilla: (hur hur hur)
So hey, Christmas happened! I made out like a bandit this year, holy SHIT. First and most awesomely, Nate got me an iPad. A FUCKING IPAD. It has a little personalized engraving on the back (which made my heart go melty) and he got me a cover and bluetooth keyboard to go along with it, and it is seriously my new best friend (I named it Sherlock). I've been carting him to work with me, and I can write and watch movies and play games and read books and it's glorious.

AN IPAD. I CAN'T EVEN.

And then my parents got me the newest edition of Gray's Anatomy, which is gigantic and weighs about as much as a small child. It's crazy-detailed and totally fucking awesome, and I am tempted to build a dedicated bookstand for it in my office, because it's the sort of book that deserves the high life. Like the OED, if the OED was full of anatomical drawings and descriptions of pathology. ♥

I also got movies and The Pacific miniseries and some nerdy teas and a book on cholera and an Aperture Laboratories mug, and Nate's parents gave me a squishy blanket and a bunch of gift certificates and a sweet Nerf gun, and the doctors hit me up with a kickass gift certificate as well. And food. Lots and lots of food, oh my god, so much food. And then? As if all that wasn't awesome enough? My [livejournal.com profile] yuletart gift was posted the other day and it is so fucking cute that it kills me: I got Inception art, AND IT IS ADORABLE!. Their little faces, ahhh. *flappy hands* I am beyond delighted.

And now, since today is New Year's eve, I decided to do the old "Year in Review" meme.

2010, in review. It's, um, long. )

yay math?

Dec. 19th, 2010 07:11 pm
janegodzilla: (emo sparkly john mayer)
One of the things that cracks me up about Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare is how nonchalant everyone is about the Four Horses of the Apocalypse. It makes sense, kinda -- as Nate pointed out, when the undead are roaming the land in great numbers and things like zombie bears exist, people aren't going to get too het up about a creepy horse that weeps blood. But I still think it's hilarious that no one says stuff like, "So...I noticed your horse was on fire," or, "Not to be rude, but are you aware that your horse is swarming with locusts?" Hee.

Anyway, I finally took my math placement test the other night so that I could get into statistics, nutrition, and/or chemistry. I've been putting this off for two years, because I haven't taken math in, like, A DECADE and lord knows I'm not all that confident in my math abilities at the best of times. Perhaps this is why I waited until the last possible minute to get this shit figured out. Luckily, my week and a half of frantic cramming paid off and I qualified for statistics, and I'm feeling much better about the whole thing now that I'm finally registered for a class.

The guy at the testing center was hilarious, though. There are three or four different math tests you can take depending on what you're trying to get into, and for stats I had to take the test with advanced and college-level algebra with some trig thrown in there for...I don't know, variety, I guess. So I take my test and there are things on there that I totally didn't study, like factorials and imaginary numbers and bullshit like that, and afterwards the guy prints out my results and is like, "Yay, you qualify for statistics!"

I go, "SWEET!" and do a fist-pump, because I am a noble and dignified flower that way.

Then! THEN! Testing guy gets all sadface, and he says, "But you didn't qualify for calculus or trigonometry, though. You'd have to go through college algebra before you could take those."

Me: ...AHAHAHAHA, OH MY GOD.
Testing guy: What?
Me: Dude, all I care about is stats. I haven't done trigonometry since I was sixteen. Sixteen.
Testing guy: How old are you now?
Me: TWENTY-SEVEN.
Testing guy: OH. So...I guess that's okay, then?
Me: Yes, quite.

It was just...I don't know, it's like he was trying so hard to make me feel better about the fact that I didn't qualify for things that are ridiculously over my head anyway, and it was amusing. I'm still kind of a amazed I qualified for statistics in the first place, given that I outright guessed on three of the four factorial questions before I remembered what the fuck factorials were. I mean. Factorials?! What the fuck.

/cool story
janegodzilla: (what do you mean it's not religious?)
I am decorating our Christmas tree while watching Die Hard and drinking Deschutes Brewery beer. I cannot even tell you how full of the Christmas spirit I am right now, goddamn. ♥♥♥

(Seriously, though. Die Hard = BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER, Y/Y? It is not Christmas without Die Hard.)
janegodzilla: (CHAOS!)
There is a very large beetle crawling across the ceiling, and I honestly have no idea what to do. I mean. What if it falls on me?! IT IS NOT A SMALL BEETLE.

This is actually really embarrassing. I can handle all sorts of weird gooey medical stuff these days without flinching, yet a beetle on the ceiling? Welcome to Panic City, y'all! Population: ME.

...oh my god, the beetle can fly and is now wheeling around in the room in loopy, half-drunk circles. I can't deal with large drunken insects, I really can't.
janegodzilla: (science + beer = GOOD)
First of all, I just want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughts last week. The grief is still pretty sharp and I miss Ivan so damn much, but I know it was the right decision to make and all of your comments were heartfelt and amazing. I ♥ you ladies and guys, I really do.

I've spent the last month in kind of a weird fog, so I'm trying really hard to get myself back on track. I've attacked my nursing school applications with renewed vigor and -- even weirder -- started actively participating in fandom again. FANDOM! I'VE MISSED YOU! It's a nice little corner of the "Glee" fandom, one apparently shunned by everyone else, but it's full of awesome people and good fic and amazing discussion and it makes me happy, so. Kurt/Karofsky goggles go! (I can't help it! Blaine is adorable, but Dalton Academy is totally the Borg, and anyway, I like it when fictional romances start off on an antagonistic note, preferably with a nice side of "fucked the hell up". What can I say -- I like real-life relationships to be mellow and awesome, and fictional ones to be screwed-up and interesting. *shrug*)

On the work front, I am now comfortable enough around Dr. Z to call him "dude" to his face. I think this is a good thing? Whatever, he deserves it. If he's going to send me pictures of collapsed eyeballs while I'm eating lunch at my desk (god DAMMIT, Dr. Z!), then I get to call him "dude."

...yeah, I still haven't gotten over my eyeball thing. I really need to work on that if I'm ever going to work in trauma/emergency medicine. :P

And this has nothing to do with anything, I am INCREDIBLY EXCITED to find out more about this new bacterium discovered in Mono Lake. It apparently uses arsenic instead of phosphorus in its DNA, which makes it different from every other life form on Earth. *~*SCIENCE*~*!!!!
janegodzilla: (sadness)
Ivan stopped eating the night before last. He eventually ate a little yesterday and this morning, but it was obvious he wasn't very excited about it. He spent most of yesterday sleeping, and when he moved, it was with the creaky pain of a cat two or three times his age. You could see it in his eyes: he was so, so tired.

I had been so worried I wouldn't know when it was time, but...I knew. He was ready to go. He spent a good portion of last night just laying against chest and trying to purr, like he knew what I had decided and wanted me to know it was okay.

I brought him in this morning. He went very quietly and very easily, and now he's not in pain anymore. He was the weirdest, most awesome cat I ever had. I'm going to miss him so much.

Ivan from two years ago, looking so very noble in a shoebox )

...

Nov. 16th, 2010 11:52 pm
janegodzilla: (...fuck)
You know, it's sort of ironic that I made a "yay, I'm caught up" post about NaNoWriMo the same day I got news that completely derailed any desire I had to work on my novel. My desire to write hasn't gone away -- in fact, I'm throwing hundreds of words at everything but NaNoWriMo, because...ugh, I don't even fucking know. Because every time I start feeling good about something I have to sabotage myself, apparently.

I know I just have to ~put my mind to it~ or whatever. I'm just...not doing so hot right now, I guess, and it's because I'm stuck in that stupid waiting phase of grief, where I know what's coming and I can see what's happening but I can't properly grieve because we're not at the worst part yet. And I'm so angry, my god, I can't even breathe sometimes I'm so angry about this. That I have to make this choice, that I have to watch him get a little worse every day, that I can't explain to him that the meds are for his own good and that at some point, probably very soon, I'm going to have to actively choose to end his life. I don't want to make that choice. I really, really don't.

And I feel so aimless. Every day I wake up and think, "Please don't let today be the day," and then even though it's not there's still some little sign that he's inched farther downhill. He was on that plateau for so long that I deluded myself into thinking it would last, but at the end of the day he has terminal cancer in his head and he's dying and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it except make him comfortable and love on him until the day comes when I have to let him go.

Fuck, I'm sorry I keep talking about Ivan. He just keeps slowly but surely getting worse, and it's killing me.

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