(no subject)

[janegodzilla]

Yesterday I had the first pregnancy scare of my life, which was...well, pretty goddamn terrifying, actually. To make a very long story short, I'm on the one of the "4 periods a year" birth control pills, I've been on it for about a year and a half, I've been religious about taking it to the point that I've never missed a day, and like clockwork my period has arrived right on time every three months. Every. Single. Time.

Except this Sunday, it...didn't.

And then it didn't show up on Monday either (I didn't even have cramps, and I always have cramps, ALWAYS), and by the time I got out of work I was in full-blown panic mode, frantically wondering what the hell I was going to do if I was unlucky enough to end up as a fucking statistic, sick with fear because I honestly didn't know.

Waiting for the results to show was the longest, loneliest three minutes of my life. When the words "not pregnant" finally appeared, the relief was so overwhelming that it physically hurt. I cried. And then I took the test again several hours later, just to be sure -- still not pregnant, thank god, thank god -- and around the middle of the day today the cramps finally, finally appeared. I don't think I've ever been so grateful to be in pain. My period mercifully followed later this afternoon, and the pent-up fear and tension that's been knotted in my chest since Monday morning is finally easing away.

I've thought before about what might happen if I accidentally got pregnant -- I suspect most women do, at some point in their lives -- but I realize now that it was always in vaguely academic terms. Like it was something I could consider logically. I had no idea what it would be like to sit there alone on the edge of my tub, clutching that little stick in my hands, staring at the blank space and willing with every ounce of my being for it to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. Casting my mind back over the past three months, guiltily cataloguing every antidepressant pill, every skipped meal, every bottle of beer, every glass of wine.

That's what floored me the most -- how guilty I felt. Like if the test results had been positive, if I really did have this tiny little thing growing inside me...then I'd already failed it in the worst way imaginable. That killed me. I'm not even remotely ready to have a baby at this point in my life, but it scared me far more to think about all the terrible damage those three months might've wrought than to think about how I'd cope with actually having a child. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this line of thought, because the whole experience left me feeling very tangled and very scared. And so, so relieved. So relieved that my fears were proved wrong.

Nate works on Monday nights, so he was at work when all this went down. I told him what happened when he called me during his break -- I'd already taken the test again, so I was pretty damn sure by that point that I really and truly wasn't pregnant -- and then promptly freaked out because I was suddenly afraid that I'd done the wrong thing by telling him and that he was going to be upset with me because...I don't even know why. Because it was Something Big, I guess. Because this is the kind of thing that can end relationships, and that he would, I don't know, start thinking about what would've happened if I had been pregnant and realize that it was just way too big and scary and things would crumble from there.

Which is a horrible, HORRIBLE thing for me to think, because he's never once given me any indication that he'd cut and run over anything, not even something as big and scary as this. Hell, when he came over after work, he told me as much -- not the part about me being a horrible person and not giving him enough credit (that's the kind of thing I think about), but the part about him not leaving. He said he didn't ever want me to be afraid to tell him things, and that if the results had been otherwise, he would've supported me no matter what I ultimately decided. Because that's what you do when you love someone.

At which point I started bawling again, but it had been a very long day and I think I'm allowed to fall apart over something like that.

So...yeah. I don't really have a clever or illuminating way to wrap this up. I'm kind of quietly astonished to realize just how committed Nate is to our relationship, because I imagine that finding out your girlfriend spent a significant portion of the day worrying that she was pregnant is a wee bit daunting. So I guess that's something good that came of this whole thing. Also -- barring any objection from my doctor -- I'm pretty damn sure I'm going to switch to an IUD. Wonderful and supportive boyfriend aside, I don't ever, EVER want to go through this again.

I realize that this was probably a giant overshare, but I don't even fucking care right now. I'm just very glad it's done with.

Comments

[chaosraven.livejournal.com]

Man, I'm so glad things worked out for the best and that your guy is so there for you all the time. <333 You're a lucky lady.

I've had scares in the past, though nothing quite so severe. My period isn't nearly as regular as yours and though I'm GOOD at taking my pills on time I'm certainly not perfect about it. The way my birth control works right now, in fact, my periods are super irregular which is a little bit worry some when it gets into the "how many months has it been" territory.

[janegodzilla.livejournal.com]

I'm glad things worked out too, especially since I had NO idea how he would react. I am constantly astounded by his awesomeness. <3

Also! Me and you! Should hang out sometime! I've got class on Tuesdays and Thursdays until about 7:30 or so, but Monday/Wednesday/Friday I get home between 4:30-5:30. I've been really bad about letting school and work completely EAT MY LIFE in the past several months.

[chaosraven.livejournal.com]

We should! I have class until 4 on Mon/Wed so perhaps we could meet downtown some evening. Good times will be had by all!

[janegodzilla.livejournal.com]

How's about this upcoming Monday? Meeting downtown would work perfectly, since I get out at 4:30 and take either the bus or the streetcar from work. :D

[glockgal.livejournal.com]

OMG bb. It's crazy the kind of thoughts that go through one's head in a pregnancy scare. Reading this was totally trippy for me.

*HUGS YOU MUCHLY* WHY MUST IS SUCK TO BE A WOMAN. SOMETIMES. NOT ALWAYS, BUT. THE FEELINGS. SO MANY EMOTIONS. *flails*

[janegodzilla.livejournal.com]

*laughs and hugs back* I hear you on the SO MANY EMOTIONS thing! In the several minutes I was waiting for the results, I think I saw about five different iterations of my possible future. I mean. I love being a woman and all, but OH MY GOD IT WAS SCARY.

But then it worked out okay! So thank goodness for that. :3

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

*huge massive hugs*

They don't call them pregnancy scares for nothing.

Ironically, the situation with Nate sounds very familiar to what happened with Petri. I thought he would cut and run when I found out I was pregnant with Lew, and I'd even thought up and escape hatch for him if he didn't want anything to do with it. But he went, "I'm not going anywhere-- I'm going to be a dad." And in all fairness, he stood by that.


Another thing: on the three months (just for reference here): when I was pregnant with Lew, I freaked out about the same thing-- only it was a matter of weeks. But I was told at the birth centre by a midwife that the body is pretty good at looking after an embryo in those first three months and protecting it from the toxins Mum might be ingesting. (I was a smoker, I drank a lot, and played with other dubious substances.)

One thing I found-- whenever I've been pregnant-- the first thing that's "off" for me is that cigarettes taste really nasty, and booze makes me insanely tired. I think it's my body's way of saying "ease up on this shit," rendering something I'd normally enjoy in great quantities utterly repugnant.


I'm so glad you're okay, though. *major hugs to the both of you*

[janegodzilla.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you hon. *hugs* Even though it turned out that I wasn't pregnant, I am SO GLAD to hear about the body protecting the embryo like that. In my developmental psych class, they hammered it into us pretty hard that we could do horrible, horrible damage during the first trimester if we weren't careful, and all of that stuff just kept running through my head (hence the guilt).

That's really interesting about how your body reacted to that kind of stuff too, to the point that you didn't want to ingest it. Our bodies are...really kind of awesome, when you think about. And your little guys both seem wonderful, so it seemed like things worked out well for you where they're concerned. :)

[agentfriday.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you had such a huge scare! :-/ You're a smart, caring gal and Nate sounds like a good guy - it seems like you both handled it much, much more gracefully than most people would.

[janegodzilla.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Given the amount of freaking out I did, I certainly don't FEEL like I handled it gracefully, but I'm glad it all worked out the way it did. And Nate really is a good guy, so I'm glad for that too. m :)