ranty feminist alert

[janegodzilla]

I got sort of snippy with a friend of mine last night, and I can't tell whether I feel bad about it or not. Part of me wants to excuse the whole thing on the grounds that I know he's a decent guy and probably didn't mean to come off the way he did, and after everything that's gone down with the Open Source Boob Project in the past week or so, I've been a lot touchier than normal on the subject of male privilege and how it relates to women's bodies. On the other hand, decent guys like my friend can fall into the trap of privileged thinking just as easily as pure assholes can. Letting it slide doesn't do anybody any favors.

I guess I should explain a little more so this all makes sense. FriendGuy keeps a blog about the trials of navigating the dating world after the end of a long-term relationship. For the most part, it's funny and well-written, and quite a few of the entries are of the "Help, I don't understand why girls do X, Y, and/or Z!" variety. And that's fine. Where I start to get a little tetchy is where the tone shifts from "I don't understand why girls do X, Y, and/or Z" to "I don't understand why girls do X, Y, and/or Z specifically in order to tease/titillate me." That sort of thing tends to set off my male privilege alarms, just as comments about poor people needing to work harder sets off my class privilege alarms. There are a lot of really unpleasant assumptions lurking just beneath the surface of statements like that, and it pisses me off.

The post in question dealt with a pair of girls in bikinis on the beach. The word "flaunt" was used. And you know how girls hook their fingers in the seams of their suit bottoms so they can smooth them out? I was under the impression that this was the most hassle-free way to fix a potential wedgie -- lord knows I've used that maneuver plenty of times -- but no, apparently we do this because we know boys are watching us, and we totally want to draw attention to our asses. What's more, we know how much this torments said boys -- you can look, but you can't touch! -- and so we do it on purpose. Just to fuck with them.

Fuck.

That.

I think he was a little surprised by how grouchy my reply was (it was something along the lines of, "For the love of god, not everything girls do is for the benefit of the BOYS looking at them") and apologized for coming off so black-and-white about it. But then he also said that it was "blatant" in the case of these particular girls, and that there was no need to get my feathers so ruffled.

Blergh.

What really kills me is that I was one of maybe two people who had an issue with the post. The other commenters were either guys who agreed with him ("Man, those girls were totally fucking with you! Why are all girls such teases?!"), or girls who did nothing but reinforce his stance ("LOL OMG WE TOTALLY DO TEASE LIEK THAT! WE LIKE WHEN BOYS LOOK AT US!"). I can't help but feel really depressed about that, like...way to make the rest of us look bad, ladies. Obviously, there are women who enjoy teasing guys and being ogled, just as the OSBP proved that there are plenty of women who are okay with people both asking to touch and actually touching their breasts. But that doesn't mean all of us are like that.

I must be more upset about this than I realized, because I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this rant. It bothers me that a lot of guys see the world as one where girls constantly tease them with the promise of sex, where everything we say, do, wear, whatever is viewed as All About Men. A girl in a low-cut top at a convention is "obviously putting her assets on display." Girls adjusting their bikinis on the beach are "flaunting" their bodies. In one of the comments, FriendGuy's roommate added something to the effect of, "All men desire are women, and all women desire is to be desired by men," and that makes me so fucking SICK that I can't breathe.

Because, after all, it's a very short step from that to saying that women should find male attention flattering, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. What, that guy's staring at your ass? Why, you should be flattered! Having a man pay attention to you is all you really want anyway, because why else would you stand where he could see you? It bothers you that your boss won't quit looking at your chest? You should feel honored and special, not insulted. It's your own fault for showing your cleavage, anyway.

And I think there are a lot of guys who don't understand this, who don't get how exhausting it is to be looked at, day after day, how tiring it can be to be treated as if your body exists for their benefit. How unnerving it can be when someone harasses you not because you're just some random person walking past, but because you happen to have breasts. Living in the city, I've had my fair share of freaky encounters with crazy, drunk, and/or scary people, but none of them have made me feel more unsafe or scared than the ones where my sex was an issue. Part of me always feels a little dumb by how upset I get over this -- after all, no one's ever tried to touch me or otherwise attack me. I feel as though people merely saying things shouldn't upset me as much as it does.

But every once in a while, a drunk guy will be there when I'm waiting at a crosswalk. He'll get in my space, slur that he wants to see my tits. Every once in a while, some otherwise innocuous man will pass me on the street and leer, tell me I'm beautiful, and when I ignore him he goes from sleazy to psychotic in less than a second and screams that I should just be a fucking prostitute, and when I keep walking, he yells after me, calls me a fucking whore, a filthy fucking whore. It's not fair that I'm the one to feel dirty and scared whenever this happens, like I'm being punished for being female, but that's how it goes, kid. We're nothing but tits and ass and cunt, and if we're not flattered by it, it's our own damn fault.

Obviously, most men aren't this reductionist in their thinking. I know FriendGuy isn't, nor are most of the guys in my acquaintance. But objectification can be subtle, and right now anything that remotely smacks of it pisses me the hell off. The OSBP was kind of triggery for reasons I don't really feel like going into right now, and while it was the good sort of triggery -- the kind that makes me angry as opposed to depressed -- I can't help but worry that I'm overreacting to the FriendGuy situation. I keep wanting to make excuses for him -- he's a nice guy, he genuinely loves women, he just didn't express himself very well -- but every time I do, I keep circling back to those words "flaunt" and "torment", to being told that I don't need to get my feathers ruffled.

I don't like it when people tell me not to get upset. Especially if I think there's something worth being upset about.

Ugh, whatever. I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that I'm unhappy about it.

Comments

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

I love this post. You articulated it SO much better than I've been able to in the past.

Seriously, THANKYOU.

I haven't gone NEAR the open project thing. Seriously, it's stirred up so much crap and I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it.

I can understand being angry at friendguy-- I'm similarly annoyed by a guy who I KNOW is not a bad person, but who just doesn't GET privilege. It's like some men can't differentiate between, "Um, recognise your privilege before you open your mouth about women/'s issues" and "I hate you and want to hack your testicles off and feed them to my cat." It's like they don't want to get it because they're worried they'll lose nice guy status or realise how arseholeish they've been in however many years of existing. Or not know how to stop, but know they should.

[iamstillthemoon.livejournal.com]

I come from a background wherein modesty is upholded. Seriously, when you go to a beach in practically nothing, you're THERE to be SEEN.

[terrakazama.livejournal.com]

I only recently found out about the open source thing (which I initially thought was about people designing breasts for games and letting other people have their designs--ahaha, not sure which would be better). I can't match the clarity in which you're expressing what you feel, but I seriously understand the view you're presenting here, probably because it's something I share.

There are so many ways to take this topic and so many objections people might present, and it's going to leave us running in circles. But I can't help but feel there's some common sense intuition running here that says that some part of thinking "women desire to be desired" isn't right.

Gah, I don't know. I probably should stop typing...

[gutlesswonder.livejournal.com]

What the hell is open source boobs?

Anyway, I think you are over-reacting just a little. Not that what you think isn't completely right--because it is--but I feel like it's more something that by now you should have accepted won't be solved by getting angry. I agree with every point you've made, but it's something I would no longer bother getting angry about. Sure, it's upsetting your friend makes sweeping comments about ALL GIRLS EVER teasing in such a way, but all he needs is a correction--because I believe it when he says that those particular girls were doing it. I wouldn't put it past some girls; especially those he chooses to give his attention to (seeing as he thinks girls are okay with dudes just touching their boobs--what the hell?)

I really like men. Like, a lot. But obviously the array of men that fascinate me--as varied as they may be--does not include the fat and/or ugly and/or douchebag, drunk losers who make women feel uncomfortable all the time. I like to pretend they don't exist. After all, they're not worthy of being considered men; they are sexless sub-human slime, more like. Once I have them out of the way, the rest of male gender that I do associate with looks so much better in comparison! Pretty much all the guys I talk to are smart, sensitive, and understand that girls do not exist for their pleasure and should be given the utmost respect in terms of sexuality, and that anything less is just plain creepy.

And think of it this way: guys who use words like "torment" to refer to a girl wearing something revealing are probably genuinely tormented by this--it's almost like a crippling stupidity of an otherwise intelligent guy brought on by sexual desire. It's almost deserving of pity.

I hope I do not come off as disagreeable! I just think a lot about objectification when making my art, and it comes out in a weird way.

[kafuness.livejournal.com]

I'm there with you. I normally dress rather frumpily, but I can tell immediately if I wear a skirt or a tighter top that men on the street start to look at me more. It's kind of like, I wear clothes that I feel good in, and looking good really is for myself. Especially if it's hot. Why should I have to conceal my figure? I like myself, and I'm comfortable with myself and my body. It's about comfort, not flaunting.